Eternal
by Akasha Ravensong
Summary: Repost edited and slightly revamped...I felt the fear and grief seething forth from him like an over boiling cauldron of emotions...
1. Found

Eternal  
  
******  
  
Hey this is a repost, I took the whole thing offline and edited it .please review!  
  
Disclaimer: don't forget me!!! *I am a disclaimer and therefore I disclaim myself*  
  
******  
  
Part one: Found  
  
SongFic: Imaginary by Evanescence  
  
"I linger in the doorway  
  
Of alarm clock screaming  
  
Monsters calling my name  
  
Let me stay  
  
Where the wind will whisper to me  
  
Where the raindrops as they're falling tell a story..."  
  
I am Amber Starr, Formerly known as Relena Darlain Peacecraft. I had left everything that I once was behind me and opened up an occult store that specialized in herbal products. After getting my degree in Herbalism I turned away and never looked back. I gave birth to my daughter and opened my business that now thrived. It had taken a while but I had rebuilt my life, and I was damned proud of what I had done.  
  
My hair was different now too. It was finally long enough for me, down to my knees and I had dyed my hair red with green and blue streaks in it. Although it may not have matched too well, it certainly made for an interesting statement. My skin was very dark from hours of work in the greenhouses and from playing in the sun with my daughter. You would never be able to tell that it had once been pale as porcelain before if you did not know it. I dressed like a gypsy, or perhaps if you allowed the stretch, like a witch might have many years ago.  
  
The sidewalk was just as crowded as it usually was, perhaps more so. I pushed my way through the crowds holding my daughter in my arms. She looked so much like her father, and she had the deepest prussian blue eyes that could become almost silver at times. I sidestepped away from the baker who shoved bread in my face hoping to sell his goods and muttered my no-thank- you. It was a hassle to make my way to and from work now a days, while the tourists were out in full force.  
  
If it was tourist season, I thought to myself grumpily, why couldn't you just shoot the tourists and get it over with? Because it would be bad business said that cocky and ever so perfect voice inside my head. "Fuck you" I muttered out loud. My daughter stirred in her sleep, and I was glad that she wasn't awake to hear me with such foul language.  
  
"In my field of paper Flowers  
  
And candy clouds of lullaby  
  
I lie inside myself for hours  
  
And watch my purple sky fly over me..."  
  
I loved England. I had left America and my former life behind me. I was better off that way. I only kept casual contact with my sisters, mostly because they couldn't afford to come and see me and talk to me as often as they would have liked. I didn't want anything to do with the person I had been. I wanted nothing to do with the other people I had left behind, and it was only out of courtesy that I kept in touch with my family.  
  
My world came crashing down around me when I heard a familiar male voice shouting for me, for the person I had been. "Relena, Relena please let that be you!" Cautiously I glanced over my shoulder to see a familiar man pushing his way through the crowds trying to get to me, but I was no longer the woman he called out for. I walked faster trying not to bring attention to myself, daring for once to wish that I would blend in. How the hell had he recognized me, and for that matter how had he found me at all? It was a pity I couldn't disappear into thin air.  
  
He called me again and I broke out into a run. I didn't want him finding me, Great Goddess of all people why would it have to be him to come after me. Even though I had had a child I was still agile and quick on my feet. But my daughter was heavy, and she was slowing me down little by little. My heartbeat quickened and I ran faster. He could not find me I would not allow it. I had worked to hard and for too long to gain some piece of mind and escape him!  
  
But he hadn't changed much either, and he caught up with me quickly. He grabbed my shoulders and spun me around. I screamed and my knees gave way at the sudden contact, and he held me up for the few moments it took to regain my composure. I stood there helpless, shaking with fear. It was a good thing the child in my arms slept so soundly; he didn't seem to have noticed her yet.  
  
"Lena, Hun, is that you? Please say it is..."  
  
"You have the wrong person sir, take your hands off of me and let me continue on my way!" my voice was shaking and raised to almost a screech, it sounded like a lie even to my own ears. My face reddened while I stood there looking at my feet hoping my ploy would work.  
  
"Don't say I'm out of touch  
  
With this rampant chaos- Your reality  
  
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge  
  
The nightmare I built my own world to escape..."  
  
He stepped back almost instantly and I felt the fear and grief seething forth from him like an over boiling cauldron of emotions. "I am sorry to have troubled you miss." He stopped in mid-sentence. Roughly I felt his hand shoot out and grab my chin forcing my eyes to meet his. "Relena...it is you, don't lie to me I know its you."  
  
My eyes started to water, why ohh why did he have to come and find me. I had repaired the broken pieces of my life; I didn't need HIM coming back to destroy me again! The tears were freely flowing from my eyes now. Why now! My daughter woke in my arms as if she seemed to sense my pain and she started crying too. I wiped my eyes and turned my back on the man in front of me, tending to my daughter's needs.  
  
"Heero, why did you come here." I looked over my shoulder at him as I spoke, but his eyes were glazed, looking down over my head at the girl in my arms. He had not seen her before and I knew what he was thinking. I guess he had to find out someday, but I wished to the goddess that it had not had to be now.  
  
"Lena how old is she?" he asked in a floaty voice of a man lost in his thoughts, or in space I thought angrily.  
  
"Who do you think you are coming back here Heero Yuy!" I yelled. "And don't call me Relena, It's not my name anymore and it hasn't been since the day I left! What are you doing here! What do you want."  
  
"In my field of paper Flowers  
  
And candy clouds of lullaby  
  
I lie inside myself for hours  
  
And watch my purple sky fly over me..."  
  
His eyes refocused and his gaze shifted as he turned to look at me instead. I made the mistake of looking into his eyes and I saw his pain. It ripped through me like a dagger and my breath caught in my lungs. I had not wanted to leave him three years ago, but there had been no other choice I had made. I loved him still; I had never stopped loving him. But love wasn't enough; love didn't keep you happy. Not in my experiences at least. It had only brought me pain.  
  
"Relena." he began reapprochingly"  
  
"Amber, Heero, my name is Amber! Don't call me Relena. I stopped being that woman three years ago!"  
  
Silence filled the air and time seemed to stand still, I wondered if he had even heard me at all.  
  
"Swallowed up in the sounds of my screaming  
  
Can not cease for the fear of silent nights  
  
Oh how I long for that deep sleep dreaming  
  
The goddess of imaginary lights"  
  
I my mind wander back to many years before, when I had first found out that I was pregnant with my little girl.  
  
****** 


	2. Memories

******  
  
Part Two: Memories  
  
SongFic: My Immortal by Evanescence  
  
******  
  
"I'm so tired of being here  
  
Suppressed by all my childish fears..."  
  
It was time to leave him and I knew it was. I wondered why I could not bring myself to go. Love was a dangerous thing. I beat myself up every day trying to bring myself to leave him but I just couldn't do it. Now I had to. I was pregnant with his child and I had to go. There was nothing I could do. And I refused to give up my child.I wanted to be a mother more then anything in the entire world. But he wasn't ready to be a father, not the kind of father I wanted for my children at least.  
  
It didn't matter anymore, I couldn't stay and pretend everything was fine. He brought me down all the time and I cried so many tears hoping things would get better because I loved him and he loved me. But no matter how hard I tried, and no matter how much I wanted too, I could not afford wear that mask anymore. I could not allow myself do stay here, because I was not just thinking for myself anymore. I was going to have a child who would depend on me entirely.  
  
"And if you have to leave  
  
I wish that you would just leave,  
  
But your presence still lingers here  
  
And it won't leave me alone...  
  
We had been fighting again, and things had gotten completely out of control this time. After he had walked out the door and had not been back home in two days. If I allowed myself to stay until he returned, I would be drawn back into the same tormenting situation all over again. I needed to leave before he got back, before I got cold feet. If he found out that I was leaving he would have found some way to coax me into coming back, or staying with him. I would not have been able to refuse him. I would do anything for him.  
  
I also knew that he wasn't trying to be an asshole, and that he loved me the best that he could, but love was not enough to stop us from fighting. He said he would never hit me or hurt me intentionally but his temper scared me, and I was afraid that one day he would loose control and do something he would regret. I had been beaten before, and I would not wait for it to happen again. I no longer believed in perfect love, it simply did not exist. The childish version of true love existed only in fairy tales, a fable made to keep kids happy and give them pathetic hope when they grew up.  
  
"These wounds won't seem to heal  
  
This pain is just too real  
  
There's just too much that time can not erase"  
  
Heero took me for granted, and he would leave me alone while he went out and had fun. When I'd go out with my friends he'd get jealous. But I couldn't have my friends at our house, he hated them and treated them badly, and I was ashamed of that. I had a lot of guy friends too, but he didn't like it when I hung out with other guys, so when I did get the chance to go out I never told him exactly who it was I went with. All he knew was where I went and that I got home safely and was there in time to make love to him before we went to sleep for work the next morning.  
  
When he was sick I always made sure that he had everything he needed, but he never seemed to be able to do the same for me when I needed him. Time after time I had put my future on hold so that he would be happy. I always stood up for him even when he didn't deserve my praise. I was hopelessly and desperately in love with him, it wasn't all just lust. And even if it was what parents termed 'puppy love,' it was just as real as any other love in the world and it was gonna hurt just as bad to loose him. But this time I was going to do what I should have done years ago.  
  
"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
  
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears  
  
And I've held your hand through all of these years  
  
But you still have all of me..."  
  
He had wanted more then I was able to give him. I had been raped, abused, and beaten in the past. I had been put down throughout my entire life. I had insecurity issues and problems speaking up for myself because I had been taught to mistrust myself throughout my childhood. I had grown up in an environment that had told me I would never be good enough for my parents. I had been rejected by my peers and looked down upon and ridiculed to no end on every level.  
  
I had tried to make him understand what I was going through, but because of what I had been through I always felt like he was laughing at me. I always ended up giving up in frustration feeling flustered and like a complete fool, like perhaps it was just all in my head and that things were fine. He didn't realize how horrible he was treating me; he never seemed to realize how fragile my mind really was. I wasn't that strong, I only pretended to be.  
  
"You used to captivate me  
  
By you're resonating light  
  
But now I'm bound by the light you left behind  
  
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
  
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me..."  
  
He had been wonderful, and hell, the sex was amazing. I could feel how much he cared every time he touched me, it was a spiritual connection we made when we became one, not just a physical one. He didn't always have the best ways of showing he cared but I never doubted he did. It was pure magick when we made love and that was probably the only reason I had stayed with him as long as I had. I tried to leave so many times but then he would touch me and I would be lost again. But every time it was over I would feel like a whore, a thief, and a liar. My body betrayed me over and over again. I needed him close to me, holding me protectively in the crook of his arms.  
  
When he moved I would feel bereft, alone. I was so insecure that I thought that he might have been cheating on me. I worried all the time about what he would do when I wasn't there. I could not help it. What was I supposed to expect of a man, after all every other man I had ever let get close to me had hurt me. He never told me where he had been or what he had been doing and I could not help but wonder if perhaps I was being taken for a fool.  
  
"These wounds won't seem to heal  
  
This pain is just too real  
  
There's just too much that time can not erase"  
  
After I had left a man who had raped me emotionally and physically I found Heero. He was everything that I had ever wanted, and everything that I needed. For two months it was perfect, then the fights began. I would hold him and tell him I loved him while we made love, then I would cry feeling violated. I felt like I was trapped because my body betrayed me, but it was worse because I truly loved Heero and he truly loved me. It wasn't just some weak obsession; it was the real thing. When we weren't fighting for some stupid fucked up reason everything was great. The rest of the time, well it just was.  
  
"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
  
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears  
  
And I've held your hand through all of these years  
  
But you still have all of me..."  
  
I didn't tell him, or anyone else, when the doctor called me and the pregnancy test was positive. My mind had gone blank. I wanted to tell Heero but now I realized that I had to leave this time and never come back. I had a baby to care for now and I could not bring a child into that sort of environment. It would grow up the same way I did and I would do everything I could to make sure that that child was not as fucked up as I was in the end. Despite the fact that I never stopped loving him.  
  
"I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
  
And though you're still with me  
  
I've been alone all along."  
  
I dreamed of him every night and I never got decent nights sleep because of it. I wished that I could make myself stop loving him but it was useless, he still had all of me and he always would. But that didn't mean I would ever let him know it. He trashed on my dreams, my religion and me constantly while I was with him without ever realizing it. I longed to be able to soul search with him, just to talk for hours and hours about nothing, but we were incapable of that sort of conversation. Although I had loved his personality too, but our relationship had been almost entirely physical. It had been time to leave and start anew.  
  
All these years I had longed for a chance to tell him, and now that he was here right in front of me I didn't know what to say. I didn't want him to try and take my baby away from me. I wanted to give him the chance to be a father but I didn't know if I could. I wasn't strong enough for this. 


	3. Explanations

Part Three: Explanations  
  
SongFic: Tourniquet by Evanescence  
  
"I tried to kill the pain,  
  
But only brought more.  
  
(So much more)  
  
I'm dying,  
  
And I'm pouring, crimson regret, and betrayal..."  
  
"Amber, Heero, my name is Amber! Don't call me Relena. I stopped being that woman three years ago!"  
  
The silence spread until it was so thick you could have sliced it with a knife. Relena gathered her wits and held her daughter close, perhaps a bit too tightly. She called forth some reserve strength from within herself hoping that it would be enough to deal with Heero, and he watched her carefully. She looked ready to run at any given second, like a mouse cornered by a tiger.  
  
"Lena, I will never call you anything but Relena. You know that" I said in a softly. She turned away refusing to look in my eyes. It hurt that she did not want to see me, even now after four years she did not want to see me. I studied her face, there were many more lines then there had been, or perhaps I had not noticed before. She had aged much since the last time I saw her, probably from too little sleep and too much work. She was about ready to burn out, it seemed. Even though her hair was red and dyed with streaks of color, she was still as gorgeous as ever.  
  
"I'm dying,  
  
Praying,  
  
Bleeding,  
  
Screaming.  
  
Am I too lost to be saved ?  
  
Am I too lost ?  
  
My God! My Tourniquet,  
  
Return to me salvation.  
  
My God! My Tourniquet,  
  
Return to me salvation..."  
  
I had come home after one of our fights and she had been gone, with most of her things packed. All there had been was a note on the counter that said "Goodbye Heero, don't come looking for me this time, I'm never coming back." I called all of her friends but none of them knew anything. Her best friend and soul sister Hilde had not told me anything, even though I knew that she knew something. Lena had always told her whatever was going on, even when she had not been able to tell me anything.  
  
"Lena, Hun, I am not proud of the things I did, and I'm sorry. I never stopped loving you, do you know that? I was too stubborn to look for you at first, too proud to admit I was wrong. I tried looking for you, I talked to everyone one of your old friends but you had lost contact with then. I was not able to find you and I gave up hope."  
  
"Why did you come here Heero? To tell me pretty stories? We've done this before and it never does any good. Do you even know what you did? Go away and leave me alone, I don't need this right now I'm late for work."  
  
"Do you remember me?  
  
Lost for so long.  
  
Will you be on the other side?  
  
Will you forgive me...?"  
  
"I came to tell you I'm sorry. And yes I do know why you left, at least now I do. I read the diaries you left behind, and I saw how horrible I was to you." I couldn't stop my eyes from overflowing with tears but I didn't care right now. "Why didn't you tell me Hun, I would have tried to change. You know that I would do anything for you, I love you."  
  
"You always loved me!" her words were strangled as if forced from her throat. "But it never mattered in the end! It was never enough! Why should I think that things will be different this time, tell me that! I have a daughter Heero. I can't just go back to that kind of life. I WON"T DO IT!"  
  
"I'm dying,  
  
Praying,  
  
Bleeding,  
  
Screaming.  
  
Am I too lost to be saved?  
  
Am I too lost...?"  
  
"Lena..." I almost couldn't get the words out. I hoped I wasn't wrong, and that she still loved me, that I still had a chance to prove to her how much I loved her. "Why did you leave"  
  
She lifted her head and I looked into her eyes, they were shining with emotions I dared not name. "Do you really want to know, Heero, can you take it? I left because I was pregnant Heero, with your daughter, among other reasons" she stopped for a moment letting the full impact of her words hit me. And then she continued.  
  
"My God! My Tourniquet,  
  
Return to me salvation.  
  
My God! My Tourniquet,  
  
Return to me salvation.  
  
(Return to me salvation)  
  
(I want to DIE!)..."  
  
"I refused to allow my daughter to grow up and have the same problems I had as a child. I wanted her to have a good life, I wanted her to have better then I had ever had. Even if it meant leaving you when I still loved you! I would have done anything to keep us together, but I just kept sacrificing myself again and again. I would not have been fair to her, and it most certainly was not fair to me. I did what was best for the three of us."  
  
"My God! My Tourniquet,  
  
Return to me salvation.  
  
My God! My Tourniquet,  
  
Return to me salvation..."  
  
She still loved him he had a chance! Whatever is up there and wherever it was, thank-you! Now if only I could prove to her that my love was strong enough and those things would be different this time. They had to be. Wait...did she just saw that that was my kid she was holding? I looked down at the girl dumbfounded and speechless... how... what...when?  
  
"My wounds cry for the grave.  
  
My soul cries, for deliverance.  
  
Will I be denied ?"  
  
****** 


	4. Accusations

Part Four: Accusations  
  
SongFic: Headstrong by Trapt  
  
"Circling Circling Circling your head  
  
Contemplating everything you ever said  
  
Now I know the truth I got a doubt  
  
A different motive in your eyes and now I'm out  
  
See you later..."  
  
"What do you want from me Heero?" my voice was barely controlled, I didn't know what to say... but I was so angry. "I've spent too many years trying to get you out of my system to have you come back here and ruin everything!"  
  
"I just wanted to have another chance with you Lena! I wanted to prove to you that things could work out between us. Please Lena, give me another chance. Hun I love you!"  
  
"I've already given you enough chances Heero, and you blew them all. We never stopped fighting, EVER! Do you expect me to give up everything I've worked so hard for just to come back home with you? You probably did, didn't you? You always were selfish, so wrapped up in yourself to see how much pain you were causing me. You were so blind Heero, you never understood. You never will. I tried so many times to make you understand but it was useless."  
  
"I see your fantasy you want to make a reality paved in gold  
  
See inside, inside of our heads, yea  
  
Well that's all over  
  
I see your motives inside and your decision to hide..."  
  
"I tried to do what I thought was best, I tried damned hard to please you woman! I would have given up everything for you to make you happy! What's wrong with me, huh? Is my dick not big enough for you or something? Huh, why don't you tell me now, I'm here aren't I?"  
  
"Don't you dare raise your voice at me Heero, " I screamed. "I have been through so much more then you could ever understand. Nothing was handed to me on a fucken silver platter like it was for you, your mother and your grandparents helped you with everything and got you and your brother out of every little problem you ever had!" I worked my ass of for what I have! And I'm damned proud of it!"  
  
"Fuck off I'll take you on  
  
Headstrong to take on anyone  
  
I know that you are wrong  
  
Headstrong we're Headstrong  
  
Back off We'll take you on  
  
Headstrong to take on anyone  
  
I know that you are wrong  
  
This is not where you belong..."  
  
"Sure take that route tell me everything that's wrong with me, Lena! Why don't you tell me now because you obviously never told me what was really on your mind! Was everything that went on between us a lie? Did you just use me? Why don't you let me in on all your secrets Relena."  
  
"I tried to tell you everything that went on in my head! I tried to explain to you everything but you never took me seriously! I may be younger then you but that doesn't mean I'm a child! I was forced to grow up a lot quicker and I never had a childhood, not really! I have issues Heero, I'm insecure I always have been. I'll probably never get over the things I've been through! There will always be scars and there will always be open wounds that will never heal! If you had to grow up the way I did you would have the same problems I did!"  
  
"Conclusions manifest your first impressions got to be your very best  
  
I see you're full of shit and that's alright  
  
That's how you play I guess you get through every night  
  
Now that's over..."  
  
I couldn't help myself; the tears just kept falling. I could barely see him now. Why was it always like this, damn it! We were fighting again. I wished I could cover Morwen's ears so she wouldn't have to hear me yelling like this. Never had I lost control over my emotions with anyone but him, he always knew how to get under my skin.  
  
I saw him move towards me, wanting to comfort me while I was sobbing. "Don't Touch me you bastard! Don't you dare fucking touch me!" I screamed. "Lena I'm"...he began, but I cut him off. I had to say this now before I lost my nerve.  
  
"Don't Lena me! I hate that nickname, I've told you that a thousand times! I don't need this Heero Yuy, I don't need you! I didn't now and I don't then. Leave me the fuck alone and go back home. Let me be miserable in peace, and get the hell away from me and my daughter!"  
  
"Fuck off I'll take you on  
  
Headstrong to take on anyone  
  
I know that you are wrong  
  
Headstrong we're Headstrong  
  
Back off We'll take you on  
  
Headstrong to take on anyone  
  
I know that you are wrong  
  
This is not where you belong..."  
  
"Your daughter! She's my daughter too damn it! You could have at least told me I had a kid. But no you were just in too much of a fucken hurry to get the hell away from me that you neglected to mention that fact!"  
  
"Damn fucken strait I was, I didn't want you having anything to do with my daughter and you won't. She doesn't need you!"  
  
He looked seriously taken aback by this and I thought perhaps I had gone too far this time, but I didn't really care anymore. I didn't want him here and I didn't want him bothering me or fighting for custody of my child. Besides he would never get it. He had a statutory rape behind him; he wouldn't win the case. Still, I didn't want to take the chance. I hated hurting him but I would not let myself loose my fragile peace just because he decided he was going to invade my life again.  
  
"I can't give everything away  
  
I won't give everything away  
  
I know I know all about  
  
I know I know all about  
  
I know I know all about  
  
I know I know all about  
  
Your motives inside and your decision to hide..."  
  
I was not going to give up so easily. If he thought I was going to just melt into a puddle at his feet this time he was wrong. I wasn't just fighting for myself anymore. I was fighting for my daughter's state of mind as well. I had my store to run, I had my friends here who would stand by me, even when I had not been completely honest about my past. They wouldn't mind though, they had all been through the same shit I had. This was gonna be one fight he would never forget. I braced myself for another round.  
  
"Turn around and forget you ever found me Heero," I said in an icy cold voice that spoke of anger one thousand times greater then my screaming. You will not become a part of my life or a part of your daughter's life. You won't win this fight. I've worked to fucken hard to get away from my past, specifically the part that included YOU! I'm late for work, and seem as how my store isn't going to open by itself; this is where we part. Goodbye Heero, and don't you dare think of following me!  
  
"Fuck off I'll take you on  
  
Headstrong to take on anyone  
  
I know that you are wrong  
  
Headstrong we're Headstrong  
  
Back off We'll take you on  
  
Headstrong to take on anyone  
  
I know that you are wrong  
  
This is not where you belong..."  
  
I turned around and rushed through the alleyway to my store. There was already a bunch of people outside waiting for the store to open. I unlocked the door, and asked them to wait a few minutes while I set up. I went to the back room, put Morwen in her crib, and put the teakettle on. Then I leaned up against the wall sliding down along it 'til I was sitting o the floor. Wrapping my arms around my knees and burying my head in my lap, and I cried. 


	5. Inside Her Head

Inside her head  
  
Songfic: Breaking the Habit by Linkin Park  
  
The store had been very busy that day, and I had been able to keep myself from thinking, but now at 2 am I was alone. Morwen was asleep in her bed and I knew that she would not wake for quite a while. My thoughts kept drifting back to Heero and then back to my childhood. I cursed myself for being who I was. I wished that I could change things but I was the way I was.  
  
"Memories concern  
  
Like opening the wound  
  
I'm picking me apart again  
  
You all assume  
  
I'm safer in my room  
  
Unless I try to start again..."  
  
Pain and loneliness had kept a constant vigilance over my life from the day I was born. I was always an outsider. My father wanted great things from me and I never did anything but disappoint him. He disapproved of my life entirely, and my religion. He always wanted his daughter to be a good little catholic girl but that path was not the right one for me. He had never liked Heero either, and I was always hearing about my shortcomings from him.  
  
"I don't want to be the one  
  
Who battles always choose  
  
Cuz inside I realize  
  
That I'm the one confused..."  
  
Once upon a time I had been a strong person who needed nobody to survive, but those around me had killed that woman. The only strength I had now was contained in a single fragile mask that threatened to fall from my face and smash like porcelain on the floor. I had no problem standing up for what I believed in, and for those I cared about, but I was never able to stand up for myself very well.  
  
Be seen and not heard. Oh look the baby is crying again, Aww poor baby, big girls don't cry. Don't tell me your sick again? God damn it child do you expect me to take care of you forever? Suck it up, get over and get ready to go NOW! My father's taunting haunted me.  
  
"I don't want to be the one  
  
Who battles always choose  
  
Cuz inside I realize  
  
That I'm the one confused..."  
  
I hid my tears and my weaknesses from the world because I wasn't allowed to be anything but the best. I could not let anyone know that I had failed at any task. I wasn't allowed to cry, crying was weak and big girls didn't cry. That's what I had always been told. It never bothered me when somebody else cried because they were allowed. But for me to cry or betray my inner feeling was out of the question. Everybody had to think I was fine. Everybody had to think that everything was always ok because if they didn't I had failed somewhere along the line. That would be showing weakness.  
  
During my school years I dealt with the teasing of my peers because I was different. I worked hard to keep above average grades and everyone viewed me as little miss perfect because of it. I never spoke out of line or did anything that could be taken as against the rules. I spent my entire childhood trying to prove to the world that I was somebody and not some piece of trash being windblown down the street. I wanted my father to think well of me but it never worked, I was always lacking in his eyes.  
  
"I don't know what's worth fighting for  
  
Or why I have to scream  
  
I don't know why I instigate  
  
And say what I don't mean  
  
I don't know how I got this way  
  
I know it's not alright  
  
So I'm breaking the habit  
  
I'm breaking the habit tonight..."  
  
You think that when you are teased that you ignore it and it never really bothered you. But give it a few years, it eventually gets to you and effects your behavior. You start to doubt yourself and second guess what you are saying because you don't want somebody to think your stupid for saying it. Then somebody near you laughs and you squirm into your seat more because you are absolutely positive that it was you they were laughing at. It usually is anyway. Then you doubt everything about yourself and someday you'll be lying awake in your bed with tears running down your face wondering where you went wrong.  
  
My mother had died while giving birth to me, and my father had always looked at me with contempt, perhaps blaming me for her death. He had never wanted children but had agreed for the sake of my mother's happiness. When he wasn't home I sneaked into the attic and went through the boxes of her things and looked at picture after picture of her wondering what she was like. Perhaps she would have loved me even if my father didn't.  
  
"Cultured my cure  
  
I tightly lock the door  
  
I try to catch my breath again  
  
I hurt much more  
  
Than anytime before  
  
I have no options left again..."  
  
My brother had left home when he was seventeen, when I was little more then a toddler. I didn't remember him very well because I was so young. He had always taken care of me and hid me from my father's temper while he was around. But they day that he left I became the new target for my father's rantings. The only difference was that my father never beat me like he had Milliardo. But there were many more ways to scar and bruise a person then by laying a single hand on them. Many, many, more ways...  
  
It would have been nice to know that somebody would understand. But I had never felt that safe and protected in a relationship before. So many times I had curled myself into a ball and cried wishing for somebody to hold me like a mother does a child and tell me that everything would be all right. Heero had never understood that. I had never been able to bring myself to tell him either. I doubted myself too much.  
  
"I don't want to be the one  
  
Who battles always choose  
  
Cuz inside I realize  
  
That I'm the one confused..."  
  
Most of all I yearned to believe people when they said they would be there for me. I wished I hadn't been betrayed too many times to trust anybody completely. I feared trust because it was always so uncertain. Why did it have to be like that. Why didn't I ever feel respected, and even if I was I never could tell. I had too many trust issues. While I was talking to people it always felt like they were secretly laughing at me behind my backs thinking I was such a looser or something to that effect. It just wasn't fair.  
  
"I don't know what's worth fighting for  
  
Or why I have to scream  
  
I don't know why I instigate  
  
And say what I don't mean  
  
I don't know how I got this way  
  
I'll never be alright  
  
So, I'm breaking the habit  
  
I'm breaking the habit tonight..."  
  
I tried over and over again to please everyone, and all I had ever accomplished over the years was getting myself hurt over and over again. I was poked and prodded into being things I didn't ever want to be all through my childhood. I never had much of a chance to be a child and have fun because everyone around me was shoving me headlong in the opposite direction.  
  
"I'll paint it on the walls  
  
Cuz I'm the one that falls  
  
I'll never fight again  
  
and this is how it ends..."  
  
It did not matter that I knew people weren't really like this, because knowing and believing were two very different things. I felt mostly respected by the people and the friends that I had met here but old habits were hard to break. I didn't share very much of what was going on inside of my head because I was too scared that they would betray me. The only person I believed in was my daughter. And she too would probably come to distrust and dislike me like everyone else. Only time would tell.  
  
"I don't know what's worth fighting for  
  
Or why I have to scream  
  
But now I have some clarity  
  
to show you what I mean  
  
I don't know how I got this way  
  
I'll never be alright  
  
So, I'm breaking the habit  
  
I'm breaking the habit  
  
Breaking the habit tonight." 


	6. Might As Well Be Raining

*******  
  
Part Six: Might as well be raining  
  
SongFic: My December by Linkin Park  
  
******  
  
******  
  
"This is my December  
  
This is my time of the year  
  
This is my December  
  
This is all so clear  
  
This is my December  
  
This is my snow covered home  
  
This is my December  
  
This is me alone..."  
  
By the time I had gotten to work the next morning, Quatre had already opened up the store and was standing behind the cash register ringing up a customer's goods. The store was busy already but we were used to it by now. I lay my sleeping child in her playpen behind the herbal supplies counter and settles myself there. While it was busy I had no problems keeping my mind off of the previous days events but as the mid-afternoon lull approached I found myself swallowed up in the recollection of all that I had lost, despite what I had gained. It all looked like so little when I held it up to how things were while it had been good between us.  
  
I felt hollow inside, as if my soul had been ripped out from my body that now slowly decayed as I lived on despite what I had been through. So many times I had yearned for nothing more then death. But all I had been allowed was life. The only things that kept me going were my store and my daughter. I had given up on love, it had betrayed me time and time again and I no longer believed that it existed.  
  
"And I  
  
Just wish that  
  
I didn't feel  
  
Like there was  
  
Something I missed  
  
And I  
  
Take back all  
  
The things I said  
  
To make you  
  
Feel like that..."  
  
What was love anyway? The only love I had ever known had infected my being like a virus and destroyed me as I decayed from within. It took me over until I had nothing left to fight back with. I never fully recovered each time I realized that that love was not real and that my life had been filled with lies. I never fully recovered from the disease called love that so many spent their lives foolishly searching for. I had scars deep in my soul that would never come free. Just because those scars were not visible to the naked eye did not mean that they did not exist.  
  
"And I  
  
Just wish that  
  
I didn't feel  
  
Like there was  
  
Something I missed  
  
And I  
  
Take back all the  
  
Things I said to you..."  
  
My Infantile fantasies of ever finding a perfect love had withered away like flowers dying upon the vine. They were cruelly and uncaringly been ripped from me and I was forced to abandon them to the uncaring world of reality, A reality that I had spent my entire life trying to escape. Time and time again I had been forced to admit defeat and reality always came crashing back down around me.  
  
It was like waking up from a nightmare and realizing that it was no nightmare after all. Living a half-life in an empty soulless shell. It was so cold in the darkness that I had created for myself, and so very, very alone. I wanted to be held and to be loved. I craved human touch and the only thing that gave me solace was that my daughter would look up to me and need my guidance for the years to come. I had hope, however tainted it was.  
  
"And I give it all away  
  
Just to have somewhere  
  
To go to  
  
Give it all away  
  
To have someone  
  
To come home to"  
  
So lost was I that I did not hear my daughter crying as she woke up from her second nap that day. Quatre put his hand on my arm and I jumped, waking out of my trance. I smiled sheepishly at him and turned away to care for my daughter. I saw as he looked back over his shoulder at Trowa, one of my other friends who helped me run the store, as they conveyed a secret unspoken message to one another.  
  
"This is my December  
  
These are my snow covered dreams  
  
This is me pretending  
  
This is all I need..."  
  
"You haven't been yourself today, Amber. Something is bothering you and I know it." Quatre said softly.  
  
"Absolutely nothing..."  
  
"Don't deny it, Amber," Trowa interrupted, "and don't worry. We're not going to demand you to tell us what it is. We know better. Everyone has a right to their secrets. I just thought I'd ask if you needed anything. We're here for you, and we are worried. I can even get Midii to watch Morwen for the rest of the day for you. It will be no problem either. You know she loves the girl dearly."  
  
"You could even go home for the remainder of the day if you want. You work yourself sick for this store and its starting to show. You look pale today too. We don't want anything to happen to you. Trowa and I can handle it by ourselves."  
  
"Yes, we can. You should get some rest, woman. It won't do anybody any good if you work yourself to death." Trowa put on a puppy dog sad face and looked at me. "If you die who's gonna pay me?"  
  
"And I  
  
Just wish that  
  
I didn't feel  
  
Like there was  
  
Something I missed  
  
And I  
  
Take back all  
  
The things I said  
  
To make you feel like that..."  
  
I burst out laughing; I couldn't help myself. They always were able to cheer me up when I was down. They were my best friends over here, despite the fact that they were men. Despite my dislike for men they had always made the best friends. And Midii, Trowa's girlfriend was like a sister to me, second to none but Hilde. I felt my eyes begin to water. I definitely needed some space and time to myself. I suppressed the overwhelming urge to jump into Quatre's arms and hug him. I longed to be held so much. I craved human contact but I could not afford that kind of pain again.  
  
It was tough keeping up that wall between me and everyone else around me but I had learned that that was more often then not the safest way to live. Nobody could hurt you when you didn't let them get that close. I had an appearance to keep up, in my own mind at least. Everyone else seemed to see strait through my mask.  
  
"And I  
  
Just wish that  
  
I didn't feel  
  
Like there was  
  
Something I missed  
  
And I Take back all the things  
  
I said to you..."  
  
Quatre, Trowa, and Midii seemed to understand that I had been hurt and needed my space. They had never asked about my past. They always let me share what I wanted to and never pushed me for more. It was nice having people who understood when I needed my space, but they never allowed me too much space because they all seemed to realize that I would fall into a dark abyss of my own making if they did.  
  
"Thanks Guys, I need the time alone right now. That would be wonderful if you could do that. But I won't leave the store early. Jade would be better off with Midii right now, too. I wonder if she'll keep her overnight too..."  
  
"And I give it all away  
  
Just to have  
  
Somewhere to go to  
  
Give it all away  
  
To have someone  
  
To come home to..."  
  
"I already called her while you were lost in deep space over there eating your lunch. She said she would be more then willing to take her off your hands." The bell on the door rang as Midii walked in. "Besides I already told her it was your idea."  
  
The day went by more smoothly after that, Trowa and Quatre went out of their way to make me laugh every time they noticed that was falling back into my own thoughts. It was nice to have friends like them, but I was still cautious. One never knew who you could really trust, and who you could tell to much too. By the end of the day they had also convinced me that I was going to take the following day off and let them run the store together.  
  
"This is my December  
  
This is my time of the year  
  
This is my December  
  
This is all so clear..."  
  
After all the lights were off and everyone else was gone I turned off the lights and turned around and put my key in the door. I threw my small backpack purse over my shoulders and turned away to walk down the lamp lit streets of London to my apartment. I reveled in the beauty of the darkness and the crispness of the night despite the summer day. I loved this time of year. It was always so beautiful.  
  
"And I give it all away  
  
Just to have somewhere  
  
To go to  
  
Give it all away  
  
To have someone  
  
To come home to"  
  
****** 


	7. Night

Part Seven: Night  
  
******  
  
The dim street lamps left an eerily illuminated pathway on the city streets of downtown London as I walked home to my bed-sit not far from the store. The night was foggy and had a surreal quality that sent shivers of pleasure down my spine and across my skin. It was dramatically cooler then it had been during the day and the brisk night air felt delicious against my skin. With a deep breath that filled me to my core I released al of my tension and negative energies into the night.  
  
The moon was almost full tonight and I could feel its power pumping through my bloodstream and filling me with the magick of the night. I was filled with pure sensuous energy that inspired and invited me with its opportunities. My mind, body, and soul felt free and untainted for the first time in months. I only hoped that it would last.  
  
I often found myself missing the quiet life of the rural town I had lived in before I left America. But that type of place was missing the one thing I had always loved about the cities, the one thing that I craved right now. The nightlife. Tonight I had the perfect chance to enjoy it and I planned on having the time of my life. Wit Heero forgotten I hurried to my apartment to change.  
  
After digging out some of my high school clothes that I amazingly still fit into and some of my old make-up and jewelry, I took a shower that threw my hair up into a flashy radical style that I had always loved as a teenager. I knew of several popular nightclubs that I wanted to scope out. Tonight I was just a pretty face that wanted to do nothing more then flirt, drink, and dance 'til dawn. 


	8. Caress

Part Eight: Caress  
  
SongFic: Burn by Bionic  
  
******  
  
The waitress dropped another round of drinks in front of Quatre, Duo, and Trowa as they sat at their usual table in their favorite nightclub, Caress. The Rock music blared from the amplifiers that surrounded the entire building, but they were far enough away that they could talk without having a problem. They were old friends and regulars, so they knew all of the staff and often got plenty of free food, which Duo always managed to eat.  
  
"FEEL THE BREAKDOWN IT'S COMIN'  
  
I CAN SEE THE SKY TURN TO RED  
  
YOUR COLORS ARE MELTING DOWN  
  
YOU REALLY SHOULD KNOW BETTER  
  
TAKE A GOOD LOOK AROUND  
  
NOW I'M BLEEDING..."  
  
"Hey, Q-man, pass me some of that greasy goodness in front of you that you seem to have forgotten about. And pass the salt Trowa, I feel another hunger pain clawing at the insides of my stomach and it's begging to be satisfied!"  
  
"How can you eat all that disgusting stuff? You must have like, two stomachs, Goddess sometimes I'm embarrassed by you." Quatre just happened to look over right as ketchup dripped off of Duo's hands and onto the table. "You're a mess! Can't you learn to be somewhat neater?"  
  
"FULL CIRCLE COMING BACK AGAIN  
  
NOW IT'S MY TURN..."  
  
"Hey now, don't drag me down with you man! Besides, if it really bothered you, you would have stopped coming with me a long time ago. Besides, seem as how you two never eat your share I can't possibly allow all this perfectly good food to go to waste." A few minutes later Duo looked up and whistled in admiration "Damn I love this seat, we've got a perfect view of the door and I'll be damned to heaven if that ain't an angel walkin through that door..."  
  
The other two friends turned to look at the woman coming through the door, and they weren't the only ones. She stood in the entranceway seemingly unaware of the attention she was getting. After a moments assessment she continued walking through the crowd. It was slow motion, and everyone noticed as she passed. Her aura was so strong that people couldn't help but notice her, even if she wanted to blend in, it would have been impossible.  
  
Her face was hidden by the lighting, and the way she had styled her radiant deep red hair that was pulled into a half up and then into a bun that had pieces of hair splayed out around the right hand side of her face in an arc like feathers, and two long strands framed her delicate face. The Hair was curled and fell across her shoulders and her skin like clouds of silk and velvet.  
  
"BURN, BRING YOU DOWN TO YOUR KNEES  
  
IN FRONT OF THE ONES THAT YOU'VE HURT BEFORE  
  
BURN, LEFT A SCAR RUNNING DEEP IN THE HEARTS  
  
OF THE ONES THAT YOU'LL HURT NO MORE..."  
  
She had two of the biggest hoops dangling form her ears that any of them had ever seen and a studded choker around her small neck. She had on a black halter-top that revealed her smooth stomach and a belly button ring of three dangling stars. Her black leather low-rise flare pants had lace up sides and rhinestone stars up her right leg. The belt she wore was of deep purple leather with metal studs. On her hands she wore fishnet fingerless gloves that were almost covered with bangles. The finishing touch was the antique looking pentacle dangling a thick chain that ended right on her solar plexus.  
  
"She's new here, I haven't seen her before," remarked Trowa.  
  
"She may be new to Caress and the nightlife of London, but there is definitely something familiar about that woman. I know I've seen her before but I just can't place her."  
  
"Well I can place her, right on the dance floor, with me. I'll be back after I dance with her, unless she came to get laid and play bar ornament all evening until she's too drunk to give a shit who she fucks. Not that I wouldn't mind being the one to claim her, mind you. . ."  
  
"HEAR THE SILENCE SO GOLDEN  
  
I CAN TASTE THE FEAR IN YOUR EYES  
  
YOUR COLORS ARE MELTING DOWN  
  
JUST HIT THE GROUND START RUNNIN  
  
LISTEN TO HEAR THE SOUND  
  
OF SILENT SCREAMING..."  
  
He made his way through the crowd like a lion stalking his prey, never wavering from the task at hand. His feline grace marked him and several women made a pass at him as he walked by but he hardly noticed. When he approached the bar, the other men who had already gathered around the red haired beauty became tense and glared at him, their eyes saying that she was theirs. But he ignored them, they weren't masters of this game, and she definitely looked as if she knew a hell of a lot more then they ever would.  
  
She turned around with an unconscious flip of her hair and flashed a dazzling smile at Duo. "Hey, how's it goin?"  
  
The men glared at him scathingly, she had ignored all of their idiotic amateur advances for the last ten minutes and hadn't spoke one word to them. Who they hell did he think he was dammit! Duo laughed at them out loud.  
  
"Much better now that I'm seeing stars" Duo answered smoothly as he admired the stars he notices that were also in black Rhinestones all over her halter top as well as on her pants. He looked her over obviously and she blushed a little. Then Duo's gaze focused on her eyes, which were cerulean blue. "Still, the stars in your eyes are more beautiful in comparison. But I didn't come over here to flirt shamelessly, unless you'd like me to continue?"  
  
She laughed, and he heard wind chimes. "Well, I wouldn't dream of stopping you, your doing such a nice job on my ego. But I didn't come to sit around all night." She stood up and walked over to him, ignoring the protests the other men were making. "What did you have in mind?"  
  
"FULL CIRCLE COMING BACK AGAIN  
  
NOW IT'S MY TURN..."  
  
"Just a semi-harmless dance and maybe a drink later with my friends at our table."  
  
"A dance sounds wonderful." When they were far enough from the bar she added, "Better them getting drunk off my ass and landing in bed with one of those freaks, cause you and I both know that's all they wanted."  
  
"What makes you think I'm not the same?"  
  
"I never said I didn't think that.but then again I never said I'd mind either" she said with an obvious wink. "Besides, at least you have a clue of what the hell your doing. The only dance I think they could manage gracefully.well.at all actually.would be done horrizontaly."  
  
Back at the table Trowa and Quatre glanced up and saw Duo dancing. They made the perfect couple on the dance floor and their fluid movements were casting a spell on the entire club. Everyone was noticing their skill, and a lot of them stopped to watch. Not that the two of them seemed to notice, they were too wrapped up in the music to care about anything or anyone. She matched Duo's cat like grace and it seemed that even the great Duo was having trouble keeping up with her.  
  
"Does he ever not get his way?" Trowa commented dryly"  
  
"Hey you know Duo, the more men he has to knock out of the way the better. But I think she's knows the game pretty well though, and she may be new here but she definitely has gone clubbing before. There is no doubt about that. Still, I can't shake the feeling that there is something familiar about her."  
  
Duo led the woman off the dance floor some time later and headed back toward the bar. He expertly steered her through the crowd. He was breathing heavily and had worked up quite a sweat. A sideward glance at her told him that she had only just begun. Not missing a thing, she laughed smiling at him. Duo leaned over the bar in mock defeat.  
  
"Apparently I'm not as out of shape as I thought I was if you're having a hard time keeping up with me tonight. A few more minutes and I would have been dancing circles around you while you fell to the floor in a daze!"  
  
"Yea well I've only just started to warm up, not many people can out dance me and its tiring when I find a partner who can. You wait till I've warmed up, and we'll see whose dancing circles around whom."  
  
"Honey if this is you still warming up then you should know that I have yet to begin!"  
  
"CAST A STONE DOWN INTO THE PEACEFUL WATER  
  
I CAN SEE IT FALL  
  
SUFFOCATING IN THIS TIME OF NEED  
  
NOW IT'S MY TURN..."  
  
The barkeep came over, washing a glass out with he rag in his hand." The Usual tonight Duo?" He got a nod in response. "How about something for your lady friend?"  
  
"I smiled, I'll have a strawberry daiquiri please"  
  
"Hey, Eean, put her drink on my friends and my tab." Duo answered. Then he turned to the woman and smiled. "What can I call you anyway? In case you didn't hear my friend here, I'm Duo."  
  
The barkeeper came over and put our drinks down. "Lady as long as you keep getting drinks from him, you don't need to know his name. Besides, you don't want him to know who you are! You'll never get rid of him." Then laughing at an annoyed Duo he walked away.  
  
"Don't mind him, we're regulars here and he is a good friend of mine."  
  
"Tonight I have no name Duo, call me what you like and I'll answer you hopefully."  
  
"Well tonight I suppose I'm just going to have to call you Star, seem as how you're covered with them. I want to introduce you to my friends, follow me."  
  
They picked up their drinks as Duo steered them over to the table and steered Star expertly away from any of the men who would have made passes at her on their way. When they got to the table it took a few minutes for Duo and Quatre to look up, and when they did their mouths dropped to the floor and they nearly fell out of their chairs.  
  
"Hey Guys, what's up with you tonight? Something wrong?" Duo asked clearly confused. "I'd like you to meet Star."  
  
I laughed, "Duo we've already met. Imagine running into you two tonight. Well in case you didn't notice I took your advice and decided to get out tonight."  
  
"Huh..." the perplexed expression on Duo's face was almost more then I could take. It was priceless. "Duo, I employ them at my store, Garden of the Goddess"  
  
His mouth dropped to the floor. "Your Amber Starr??????"  
  
"The one and only."  
  
Quatre looked as if he could have fallen out of his chair and then down a three story building and not have even noticed and practicly yelled, "Told you she looked familiar!" Amber laughed.he was so cute when he wasn't so quiet."  
  
"BURN, BRING YOU DOWN TO YOUR KNEES  
  
IN FRONT OF THE ONES THAT YOU'VE HURT BEFORE  
  
BURN, LEFT A SCAR RUNNING DEEP IN THE HEARTS  
  
OF THE ONES THAT YOU'LL HURT NO MORE..." 


	9. Broken Rhythm

*****  
  
Part Nine: Broken Rhythm  
  
SongFic: Intuition By Jewel  
  
*****  
  
"I'm just a simple girl  
  
In a high tech digital world  
  
I really try to understand  
  
All the powers that rule this land  
  
They say Miss J's big butt is boss  
  
Kate Moss can't find a job  
  
In a world of post modern fad  
  
What was good now is bad  
  
It's not hard to understand  
  
Just follow this simple plan."  
  
I laughed at the bemused expressions on Quatre's and Trowa's faces, apparently they didn't see me as the type of person who went clubbing for the hell of it. They eventually came to their senses and realized that they were staring open mouthed at me and again I laughed. Poor Duo was sitting there getting more and more confused by the second. He had absolutely no idea what the hell was going on at this point in time.  
  
"You look different tonight Amber, we didn't recognize you at all." Trowa finally said breaking the silence that had blanketed them in the moments before.  
  
"You look absolutely gorgeous, Amber. Its amazing what a little music and a night off can do for one's personality. You look as if you could fly at any given moment. I'm glad you're enjoying yourself." Quatre said quietly.  
  
"We didn't even recognize you at all, not that the lighting and the way you did your hair helped any..." Trowa commented with a wave of his hand.  
  
I found myself blushing a bit at their words. "Thanks guys. I love dancing, before I had Morwen it was one of my favorite things to do on the weekends. Her father never approved though..."They noticed her expression darken for a few moments and then it lit up again covering a past hurt. "All well, he's not here now so it doesn't matter does it.  
  
"Follow your heart  
  
Your intuition  
  
It will lead you in the right direction  
  
Let go of your mind  
  
Your Intuition  
  
It's easy to find  
  
Just follow your heart baby."  
  
"Definitely not." The two agreed in unison.  
  
I turned and looked at Duo who was eating more fries and still had a completely confused expression on his face. I patted him on the back and smiled coyly at him. "Don't worry, you'll get used to it eventually." All of us burst out in laughter.  
  
"It appears I'm going to have to by the looks of things" he replied dryly.  
  
"You look at me  
  
but you're not quite sure  
  
Am I it or could you get more?  
  
You learn cool from magazines  
  
You learn love from Charlie Sheen  
  
If you want me let me know  
  
I promise I won't say no."  
  
I pulled up a chair and swung it around backwards so I could lean on it. Straddling the chair like that we talked for a long time on so many different things that I couldn't remember how it all got started. At the present moment we were talking about the perpetual implosion of society caused by the mainstream trends and subcultures. (Duo sat there pretending to understand what in the world we were talking about. I felt bad for him.)  
  
After almost eight rounds of drinks I felt like dancing again and stood up with my drink still in my hand. "So why is it that I come into this place, find you here, and haven't seen either of you make for the dance floor? Are we too old to keep up with everyone else?"  
  
"I can dance I just prefer to sit here and talk with my friends." Quatre said.  
  
"Follow your heart  
  
Your intuition  
  
It will lead you in the right direction  
  
Let go of your mind  
  
Your Intuition  
  
It's easy to find  
  
Just follow your heart baby."  
  
"Prove it."  
  
I grabbed his hand and led him to the edge of the dance floor where a slow song was playing. He put one hand on the small of my back and took my other hand in his. Wrapping my free arm around his neck I put my cheek on his. Perhaps it was the alcohol flowing through my bloodstream but it felt so good to be held again. Warmth flooded through me and I sighed contently. I missed being in the arms of a man, it made me safe. It didn't matter that it was only for the sake of a dance. And Quatre was a good dancer. He pulled me closer to him and we lost ourselves in the rhythm.  
  
I didn't see Heero walk into the club and spot Quatre and I dancing. I didn't see him glare at us with fire and ice in his eyes, seething with anger at the thought of me being in the arms of another man. I didn't see him as he walked over to us. My eyes were closed in the ecstasy of dance.  
  
"You got something that you want me to sell  
  
Sell your sin. Just cash in.  
  
You got something that you want me to tell  
  
You'll love me. Wait and see.  
  
If you want me  
  
Don't play games  
  
I promise  
  
it won't be in vain  
  
Uh-uh-uh"  
  
But I did feel the hand on my shoulder as the song ended and another began. The deep voice penetrated my bliss and rang in my ears. There was absolutely no doubt in my mind who that voice belonged too.  
  
"May I cut in?"  
  
Not here! Not now! Please this can't be happening! Ohh goddess, I moaned inwardly.  
  
****** 


	10. What the Hell?

Eternal  
  
By Akasha Ravensong  
  
******  
  
Chapter 10:   
  
Song Fic: Running Away by Hoobastank  
  
The whole world seemed to stand still when I turned around and my worst fears were confirmed. I don't know how long I stood there just staring at them, but after a while I noticed that people had started to stare at Heero, Quatre, and I. My face clearly showed how frightened I was. I knew it did. If looks could kill, the look of pure hatred that Heero was giving Quatre would have done so ten times over.  
  
"I don't want you to give it all up  
  
And leave your own life collecting dust  
  
And I don't want you to feel sorry for me  
  
You never gave us a chance to be  
  
And I don't need you to be by my side  
  
To tell me that everything's alright  
  
I just wanted you to tell me the truth  
  
You know I'd do that for you..."  
  
From their corner duo and Trowa happened to look up just as Heero walked over to Amber. Nodding to each other they got up and began making their way over there in case of trouble. They watched warily never allowing their eyes to leave their friends.   
  
Quatre put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it in an attempt to comfort me. "Amber, are you okay? Do you know him?"  
  
Heero moved closer and took my hand gently in his, and I gasped at the sudden contact and looked into his eyes. He leaned closer to me and whispered in my ear. "Lena, honey please dance with me." With a strangled cry I pushed him away from me and did the only thing I could think of. I ran.   
  
Noticing my hectic free-for-all most people moved out of my way, but a few poor innocents were left sprawled across the dance floor. I never even noticed as I ran out the back door I had noticed earlier. Every single atom in my body was focused on getting out of there as quickly as possible. Turning the corner I ran into a rock hard someone and was about to fall to the ground when strong steady arms grabbed me gently and firmly.  
  
"Why are you running away?  
  
Why are you running away?..."  
  
"Lena, hun, please give me a chance."  
  
"No! You'll just hurt me again Heero. Just like every other time I gave you a chance!"  
  
"It wasn't like you were the only one who got hurt Relena. You never let me into your life. You were too afraid of being hurt again that you wouldn't let me love you. I tried which is more then I can say for you!"  
  
"You don't know what you're talking about Heero Yuy. Don't you dare judge me you don't know what its like! You don't know" I sobbed.  
  
"To hell that I don't! I've been hurt just as many times as you. But I didn't push you away! Every time I tried to get close to you you'd run off scared or do something to distance me from yourself. You're too afraid to take a chance, and your pathetic excuse for giving me a chance was worth shit woman!"  
  
"Cause I did enough to show you that I  
  
Was willing to give and sacrifice  
  
And I was the one who was lifting you up  
  
When you thought your life had had enough  
  
And when I get close, you turn away  
  
There's nothing that I can do or say  
  
So now I need you to tell me the truth  
  
You know I'd do that for you..."  
  
Footsteps echoed on the cobblestone roads and Heero looked up. Curious, I looked back to see Quatre, Duo, and Trowa running towards us. I sighed with relief and tried to move away from the hands that still held my shoulders. Heero just gripped my arms harder and I felt his hands dig into my arms. But I knew tha I had help with me and my courage grew a little bit.   
  
"So why are you running away?  
  
Why are you running away?..."  
  
"You with your pretty words. If I pushed you away so much why the fuck did you stay. You could have left. Goddess knows you had more ten enough women around you. I doubt you ever had to spend a night alone even when I wasn't around!"  
  
"Is it me, is it you  
  
Nothing that I can do  
  
To make you change your mind..."  
  
"Damn You Relena! I never wanted anyone but you! They were friends of mine. I invited you to be with my friends, but you never even bothered giving me the chance to go out with your friends." He shook me hard and I felt disorientated for a moment. "You just left me out of your circle and never even introduced me to any of them. That hurt Lena, more then you could ever know."  
  
"I'll ask you again, then why the hell did you bother with me Heero?"  
  
"Because I love you Relena, even after everything we've been through. I haven't had another woman in my life since the day you left and I never stopped loving you. I want you to let me love you Relena. Let me into your heart in your life. Don't hold back. Don't shut me out Lena, please. I couldn't' take loosing you now that I've found you again. I love you Lena honey."  
  
"Is it me, is it you  
  
Nothing that I can do  
  
Is it a waste of time?..."  
  
It was more then I could take, and I started sobbing. I couldn't see I just sank into his chest and sobbed harder then I had ever before. There weren't many times that I had allowed myself to cry... I held everything inside. In the past two days I had cried more then I had in the three years that I had been away from Heero.  
  
"Is it me, is it you  
  
Nothing that I can do  
  
To make you change your mind..."  
  
What surprised me was that Heero pulled me into his arms and wrapped them around me. For the first time in far to long I felt completely safe and loved. He whispered sweet nothings in my ear and rubbed my back with his hands comforting me best he could. He was being so sweet and understanding that it just made me sob harder. When I finally stopped crying, Heero placed his hand under my chin and lifted my face up so that he could look in my eyes.   
  
I smiled, Insanely happy with the world. "Heero, I love you too."   
  
"So why are you running away?  
  
Why are you running away?  
  
What is it I've got to say  
  
So why are you running away?  
  
To make you admit you're afraid  
  
Why are you running away?..."  
  
I saw tears into his eyes too and he leaned down and closed the gap between our lips. I wrapped my arms around his neck and ran my hands through his hair as the innocent kiss became something more. Behind me I heard somebody clear their throats. We looked over at my three companions who had dumbstruck looks on their faces.  
  
"What in Bloddy Hell is going on here Amber?" 


	11. The Truth is

A/N: Hey how come the only time I seem to get reviews is when I threatened to stop a fic?? Lol! anyways I've been convinced to keep this fic up, just don't count on the updates being too regular. Thanx to my reviewers! Let me know if you like this chapter ^_^  
  
******  
  
Eternal   
  
By Akasha Ravensong  
  
******  
  
Chapter One: The Truth is...  
  
Song Fic: Slide by the Goo Goo Dolls  
  
******  
  
"Could you whisper in my ear  
  
The things you wanna feel  
  
I'd give ya anythin'  
  
To feel it comin'   
  
Do you wake up on your own?  
  
And wonder where you are  
  
You live with all your faults..."  
  
I had no idea where to begin. I knew that Trowa and Quatre had always wondered who Jade's father was, but they knew that it was a story I was not yet willing to tell. Now I had no choice and they had a right to know. They were good friends of mine and deserved that much. Although I was worried that I would hurt Quatre, it had always seemed as if he had the slightest bit of a crush on me.   
  
We were all standing in the alleyway and I was completely speechless. Heero sensed that I was nervous and walked up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. I leaned into him taking everything in. I couldn't believe that he was back. I was so ashamed of myself for everything that I had put him and myself through.   
  
"I wanna wake up where you are  
  
I won't say anything at all  
  
So why don't you slide  
  
Yeah I'm gonna let it slide..."  
  
"Well, Trowa, Quatre, meet Heero. He's Jade's father, though he didn't know it until this morning some time. Or actually he wasn't sure until right now." I smiled up at him ad he had an awestruck look on his face. He looked dazed and confused, and very happy. I laughed quietly and leaned up to kiss him on the cheek. "And this is Heero Duo, I met him tonight."  
  
"Duo and I have met Relena. We have been friends since boarding school."  
  
"Relena," Trowa questioned.   
  
"Don't you love the life you killed  
  
The priest is on the phone  
  
Your father hit the wall  
  
Your ma disowned you   
  
Don't supposed I'll ever know  
  
What it means to be a man  
  
Somethin' I can't change  
  
I'll live around it..."  
  
"Its my birth name, I changed it when I ran away from my relationship with Heero three years ago so that he wouldn't be able to find me. I didn't want to be found. I was afraid. Our relationship wasn't very good and we kept fighting all the time. But I never stopped loving him. Even now..."  
  
"I wanna wake up where you are  
  
I won't say anything at all  
  
So why don't you slide  
  
Mmm mmm slide And   
  
I'll do anythin' you ever dreamed to be complete  
  
Little pieces of the nothin' that fall..."  
  
I looked down at my feet feeling like a coward. Heero cupped my cheeks between his hands and gently turned my face to his for a gentle kiss. 'its okay, love. Let's just start fresh and try again. I'd do anything for you, you should have known that. Trust in me and in my love for you. At least let me get to know my daughter. She deserves that much. I deserve that much, as do you hun."  
  
I looked back towards my three companions awkwardly. "I'm sorry that I never told you guys my story. I wanted to leave everything behind. It meant everything to me that you never pressured me into telling you about my past. It's a bit darker then you realize, even darker then Heero realizes. I have many secrets."  
  
"Oh May  
  
Put your arms around me  
  
What you feel is what you are  
  
And what you are is beautiful..."  
  
"Its alright Amber," Quatre said, the first to break the silence that followed my speech. 'Why don't you two take your time to catch up, I'm sure that you have many things you want to talk about."  
  
"Thank-you. Thank-you so much you guys. You're the best friends a girl could hope for." I gave all three of them big hugs, even Duo despite the fact that I had just met him.   
  
"Oh May  
  
Do you wanna get married, or run away?   
  
And I'll do anythin' you ever dreamed to be complete  
  
Little pieces of the nothin' that fall..."  
  
"Let's go Relena, I want to hear about everything. Including how good your store is going. I'm so glad you followed your dream."  
  
"'Really, I thought that you thought it was stupid. That you didn't believe in me. Or in any of my dreams." I said shyly, looking up into his eyes surprised.  
  
"Oh May  
  
Put your arms around me  
  
What you feel is what you are  
  
And what you are is beautiful..."  
  
"Love, I would have done anything to make you happy, I would have built that damned store myself. I only resented the fact that you shut me out of your life. Separating everything else from me. I wanted to be a part of your life, hun, and not just an accessory."  
  
"Oh..."  
  
"Oh May  
  
Do you wanna get married, or run away?  
  
I wanna wake up where you are  
  
I won't say anything at all (yeah slide)  
  
And I'll do anythin' you ever dreamed to be complete (yeah slide)  
  
Little pieces of the nothin' that fall  
  
(yeah slide)..."  
  
He took my hand and turned me around, allowing me to lead the way back to my apartment. We walked slowly, his hand in mine. Every once and a while he would stop and touch my hair lovingly, or caress my cheek with his free hand. Sometimes he just leaned down as we walked and kissed my forehead gently. Every second was oozing with love and longing, happiness at being apart for the last three years. It had seemed so much longer. Now that he was back I couldn't dream of why I could have left him.   
  
"And I'll do anythin' you ever dreamed to be complete   
  
(yeah slide)  
  
Little pieces of the nothin' that fall   
  
(Oh Oh Oh slide)  
  
Yeah, slide between the sheet of all the beds you never knew  
  
(Yeah slide)..."  
  
I loved this man.   
  
"Why don't you slide into my room  
  
Just slide into my room  
  
Oh, we'll run away, run away, run away..."  
  
******  
  
A/N: Hope you liked this chapter. I'm running out of ideas for songs though here! I hope this one goes!" 


	12. Close Enough

******

Author's Note: I'm not changing the rating, but there's a mild sex scene in here! Just thought I'd warm you! More a/n at the end!

Mint: No more angst! I swear...*evil glint In eyes* But we all no that happily ever after doesn't exist even though we want it too. Close enough though...

******

Eternal

By Akasha Ravensong

******

Chapter Twelve: Close enough

Song Fic: Drop in the ocean by Michelle Branch

******

Heero and I sat down on the bed exhausted. We had just finished unloading and unpacking all of my belongings into the house that he had acquired as soon as he had found out where I was. He had been living there for over a month before he had been able to muster up enough courage to venture forth towards my store.

"Love took me by the hand

Love took me by surprise

Love led me to you

And love opened up my eyes..."

The estate was absolutely gorgeous and probably had about 150 rooms total. I wondered what he had been doing with his life since I had left him. Before he would have never have been able to afford this place. There was a stable and plenty of fields and forests that were part of the old manor. Heero even had almost twenty horses, among them Morgans, Fresians, and several breeds of Warmbloods.

Heero had still not met our daughter yet, and he was nervous. She would be meeting him today. The day after our reconciliation he had left to take care of business and a few other things. After that we had gone on various dates and I had always arranged for a babysitter. I knew that he was dying to meet his child, but we desperately needed to become reacquainted first.

I felt the love of my life wrap his arms around my waist from behind and kiss my neck gently and lovingly. I was so happy to have him back. I leaned backwards into his warmth and snuggled up closer, wanting to be able to touch as much of him as possible at once. Sighing contentedly I closed my eyes and rested my head on his chest.

After a few minutes of sitting like this he touched my face gently and lifted it to his and placed a kiss on my lips. "Do you think she'll like me, Lena?"

"And I was drifting away

like a drop in the ocean

And now I realize that

nothing has been as beautiful

As when I saw heaven's skies

In your eyes

In your eyes..."

I gave him a momentary glare but gave it up. I would never get him to give up his use of the dread pet name he had for me. "Of course she won't like you," I said slyly. He looked absolutely horrified. "She'll love you Heero, how could she not."

"That was unbelievably cruel. I do believe that I will have to punish you for that.

"Oh really, Mr. Man, how do you plan on doing that?"

"Like this you wench." Before I knew what was happening he had flipped me over and was lying on top of me, pinning me to the couch.

"I definitely don't see what's so bad about this Hun."

"I haven't gotten that far yet Hun. Just wait." He grinned at me and my eyes widened. I definitely didn't like that evil glint in his eyes.

Heero leaned down and kissed me my nose, then my forehead. Then he made his way to my ear and ran his tongue down the edge of my lobe and nibbled on it gently. His hands moved to my breasts and he massaged them demandingly and urgently, pinching the nipples to the point of painful pleasure, careful not to go too far. I moaned and reached for him.

But he wasn't going to let me do that. Instantly one strong hand grabbed my wrists forcefully and forced them back as he pinned them above my head. I groaned in protest. The one hand he had on my breast moved lower and lower until he reached my heated, liquid core, teasing and worshiping me lovingly.

Then he let go of me hands and grabbed my hair and pulled my head back harshly, but not hurtfully, backwards and bit my throat. His hands and mouth worked magic on my trembling body for several more minutes.

'Heero Yuy, if you don't kiss me right now, on the lips I'm going to have to hurt you!"

"Oh really?" He grinned cheekily at me, "I think I can manage that."

A few minutes later there was a cough at the door announcing to us the presence of one of the staff. After walking in on us once they had learned to knock or announce themselves before walking into any room we were thought to be occupying. Heero still had his temper, but I wasn't afraid of him anymore. I knew he loved me.

"And every time I drift away

I lose myself in you

And now I see I can be me

In everything I do..."

"It's alright Alberto the lady and I are decent," Heero said as he sat up. , pulling me with him. "What is it?"

"The Lady Midii just called. She is on her way over here with your daughter, Jade, right now."

"Alright, we'll head downstairs to meet her at the front door. I don't want my baby scared shitless walking into this new place all alone." I stood up and reached for Heero's hand. He took it, looking as nervous as a deer caught in headlights. "Don't worry love, she couldn't help but love you. Not when I love you as much as I do." I leaned up and kissed him on the cheek and dragged him to the door.

"'Cause I was feeling as small

as a drop in the ocean

And now I realize that

nothing has been as beautiful

As when I saw heaven's skies

In your eyes

In your eyes..."

When Midii got there I hugged her and took my daughter by the hand and turned to Heero.

"Jade, I want you to meet somebody. This man is you Da, he had to be away for a while but he's come back to stay now. We're going to live here with him."

I watched as Heero crouched down to her height and my daughter cautiously walked over to him. She looked back at me once and I smiled at her reassuringly, motioning for her to go closer. Thumb in mouth she looked at the man I proclaimed to be her Daddy shyly.

"Hey Honey," He said in a shaky voice.

She just stared at him for a few antagonizingly long and endless moments. Then she looked at him, her shyness gone and held her hands above her head. "Up."

"Love took me by the hand

Love took me by surprise..."

Together Heero and I breathed a sigh of relief. I slipped away quietly leaving the man I loved to be alone with our daughter so that they could get to know each other. Later that night I waited for him to enter our bedroom. I leaned against the railing looking out at the stars on our balcony.

I heard him enter and I glanced around and motioned for him to come to me. Wrapping me in his embrace we looked up at the night sky enjoying the companionable silence that followed. He rested his chin on the crown of my head and rocked me back and forth in his arms.

After a while he turned me around in his arms and lovingly brushed a stray lock of hair out of my face and kissed me on the forehead.

"I'm so glad that I got to know our daughter. I can't believe how much I love her, and I've only known her for a day."

"I knew you would be a good father, Heero. I just never let myself admit it. She has really taken to you. She doesn't even like Midii that much. Jade didn't have any problem calling you Da right away either."

"I know. She's absolutely amazing."

"And I was drifting away

like a drop in the ocean

And now I've realized that

nothing has been as beautiful

As when I saw heaven's skies

In your eyes

In your eyes"

Heero fumbled with something in his pocket for a moment and looked at me, holding something in his closed hand. Slowly, he took my hand in his and slid something cold up my hand while I stood frozen with surprise.

"Relena, Will you marry me?" I looked down at he ring on my hand, it was a sea green opal set in a platinum band with two small accenting emeralds. He had actually remembered my favorite stone and my dislike of diamonds. "My love for you is as eternal as the sun. I'll never leave you no matter what. I want to stay a part of you and our daughter's life. We'll work things out this time instead of walking away. I can promise you that I will do everything I possibly can to make this work, Hun. Just please, say you'll marry me."

My mouth could have crashed through the floor. I just stared at him for several minutes. Then I jumped on him wrapping his arms around his neck and lifting my legs in the air. He swung me around a few times while we laughed. I had tears running down my face. I was so happy!

"Of course I will Heero."

"And we'll live happily ever after." He laughed as he kissed me playfully."

"No," I said between kisses. "But it'll be close enough."

******

Author's Notes and Thank-Yous

Thanks to all of my reviewers (ugh only ten total, damn! lol I'm over it) I'm so glad you bothered: Bloodymari , Mint, Jem Star, Diana the Hunter, Ladybug, Dark Dragon, and Jero. I love you guy's!

I hope you liked my story!  
Blessed Be,

Raven Lynne


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